15. Grudges and crutches

Lord Jesus, it is so exciting to know You and be on this lively spiritual journey with You.

In Mat 13: 10 the disciples asked You why You spoke in parables. You answered them and then give us the assurance that our spiritual eyes and ears are blessed because they see and hear. But often times we as Christians "understand" what the Word says, but we can't apply it to our lives. We understand things in the abstract and fail to invite the Spirit to enable us to apply these truths in our daily lives. Forgive me for neglecting to ask You for revelation.

When You encourage me in Rom 12: 2 and Eph 4: 23 to be renewed in my attitudes and thinking, I need to sometimes take time out to examine my thoughts about certain things, which determine my consequent behavior. For You have explained it already, as a man "thinketh so he behaveth" (Prov 23: 7).

Father, in You there is only light and no darkness (1 John 1: 5). Thank You that You encourage me to test all things (1 Thes 5: 21). Thank You Father for enabling me to see that this encouragement is an invitation to greater fellowship with You. For as I hold on to the grudges and crutches of that which has its origin in darkness, I cannot be free, joyous, grateful,  generous, or gracious.

Father, may I continually test my attitudes and thinking. So that when they are not of Your light, I may know I am fellowshipping with darkness. Full stop. It's not cool to think about it like that, but it is a logical conclusion. When I'm angry, I choose to ignore Your Word which says I must forgive as I am forgiven (Luke 6: 37), and I should forgive 7 x 70 times (Mat 18: 22). When I'm impatient and irritably and sense the Holy Spirit convicting me about my attitude, I choose to ignore 1 Cor 13: 4, which says love is patient. When I find myself in fear and become incapacitated and nervous, I am walking in darkness for Your Word says You have not given me a spirit of fear, but a Spirit of power, love and a sound mind!!! (2 Tim 1: 7). Halleluja Jesus. From now on I commit to speak to my spirit to rise up within me and find its strength in Your living Word (Ps 42: 5-6).

Father, I am squandering my time, throwing it to the enemy when I walk in unforgiveness, revenge, bitterness, anger, fear, depression, self-pity, all these crap feelings and attitudes. And why? Father, thank You that the Word gives me alternatives to these stinking attitudes. Lead me to those scriptures I need most and cause me to meditate on them that they may take root in my spirit and drive out the darkness in those areas of my life. Thank You that hear me, that this is Your will for me and that You have therefore already answered my prayer (1John 5: 14-15).

Thank You in the name of Jesus that I'm falling more and more in love with Your Word and hungering and thirsting after it more and more. For then I shall be filled with its life-giving power that enlightens my vision so that I can discern what is from You and what is not.

As my battles are not against flesh and blood, but against spiritual powers (Eph 6: 12), which aim to kill, steal and destroy me through keeping me in ignorance, addicted to bad habits, deceive me into missing all You have for me, etc., I need to be vigilant. Whenever my attitude or actions stink, I now understand that I'm walking in darkness and inviting those hosts of darkness to come strengthen that stench of death thoughts and behaviors.  Father please forgive me for all the times I chose to shut up the Holy Spirit's voice in order to give in to thinking and behaving that satisfied my flesh - as when I would vent my anger, wallow in the depression of my unbelief, feel sorry for myself because of something someone did when I was younger, and all the other things that I allow to hurt my ego. One day when I'm in heaven I will probably see how foolish I was. By Your Spirit, Who is my Helper (John 14: 26), I know You have spoken to me and are at work transforming me into walking in Your light more and more. 

And Father, may I indeed remember that the devil also roams the earth, going to and fro (Job 1: 7, 1 Peter 5: 8) to mess us up. He wants to help me speak unbelief and other words of death. As life and death are in the power of the tongue (Prov 18: 21), so it is already a great victory for the enemy to get us to speak words of death over ourselves, our futures, our loved ones, our jobs, etc. 

In Mat 16: 13-20 Jesus asks the disciples who people say He is and then who they say He is. Peter's response get's the response from Jesus that the fact that he knows that Jesus is the Son of the Living God, did not come from his own mind or what he heard people say - but through revelation from God the Father Himself. And I'm sure it's not as if Peter and the Father had some wow moment. That still small voice probably just gave Peter this conviction in his heart. He could have had that sense, but rejected it through unbelief. I mean, maybe Jesus was using the powers of the devil to do the things He did, as some Pharisees thought. Peter might have wanted to get more evidence about this Jesus guy. But no, he accepted this sense in his heart by faith. 

But not long after, in v 22 (though seemingly not in the same conversation), Jesus says He must be killed and will be raised on the third day. And our man Peter takes Jesus aside and says He must stop talking crazy. Eish! And to this Jesus responds: "Get behind Me, Satan! You are an offense to Me, for you are not mindful of the things of God, but the things of men." (Matt 16: 22). Wow! Peter must have been shocked by that response. I mean, Satan? What, where, how? How can this be Jesus's response?

Father, how often I am not mindful of the things of God. And it seems like innocent words, justified feelings, provoked words. But my God... I am not better than Peter, so I sometimes need to rebuke the enemy as he tries to get the better of me. Father, show me when I need to address feelings, attitudes, and behavior in myself by rebuking the enemy. I don't want to be weird, giving the enemy more credit than is due, nor constantly conscious of demons messing with my head. But I also don't want to be ignorant. Therefore Father, please give me discernment and raise my understanding in this area.

Father, when I want to say, think and do things that seem innocent just because they are not vile or violent, open my spiritual ears that I may hear Your Spirit whisper "no". Eve simply ate a fruit. Peter only wanted to protect Christ and help Him change His negative attitude. But the Word of God said, "Don't eat of that tree" (Gen 2: 17; Gen 3: 3). And this was Christ prophesying and Peter defied Him. Waar pas dit? 

Father, thank You that You transform me. Oh, I need it so much. Father, in the name of Jesus, I commit my thinking, attitude, words, and behavior to the wise leadership of Jesus and the perfectly wise guidance of the Holy Spirit. Above all Father, when I allow for these misconceptions in my thinking, theology and attitude to be stripped, I am gaining freedom. Yes, sometimes it will be painful to let go of certain grudges and even some crutches, but when I do I will become more satisfied in Your freedom, life, light and love. Thank You, Jesus for teaching me, making me whole and transforming me.

Amen and amen.